I had been bullied for a year previously to becoming a Christian about the way I looked, but for the next three years the bullying became more intense; even my closest friends were doing it and this had seriously damaging effects on my self-esteem and how I trusted people – I didn’t think I would expose myself or make myself vulnerable before someone again. Amidst this bullying, life was hard at home and I felt, having a brother and a sister, like I was being victimised, singled out and blamed for everything that was going wrong in the family. I needed people to be there for me, but I had no-one I could turn to. Well, I could have turned to Jesus but my anger and hurt was being channelled towards Him. I always think God must have broad shoulders the amount of blame and abuse He gets from everyone, but the funny thing is, looking back, He wanted to help me with my problems, but I think I had had enough and turned a blind eye to Him. With everyone around me implying I was worth nothing and that I wasn’t wanted, I thought I would do everyone a favour and put an end to my existence. Although I never had any attempts at it, it was a close one. On one occasion, my family were at a restaurant and I left on my own to sit in the car whilst the others paid the bill. I planned to end it all the next day, and I was going through it all in my head. My brother had always been protective over his ipod, and I knew he had left it in the car so I started listening to it. The track that played when I turned it on was ‘There is nothing like’ by Marty Sampson and my goodness did I need that song. The lyrics spoke so powerfully over me and I felt God was in that car with me, He had chosen that song and as it progressed, His love just flooded me.

There is nothing like, there is nothing like Your love, Your love

I think I played that song about 7 times in a row (how long did it take them to pay the bill?!?) and it was as if through that song I was slowly being restored, and there was hope. Unfortunately, it didn’t last for too long. With the rope in my hands on another instance and tears running down my face, I was overcome by the peace of God talked about in Philippians 4:7. How sweet was that peace that it saved me from the jaws of death. I no longer wanted to kill myself and with God’s strength and the help of Jamie, re:generation’s joint pastor, I managed to tell my parents about it all. They were obviously deeply upset that they nearly lost their son, but they understood, and things, along with the bullying, began to ease. So I survived that episode, but another chapter was just beginning.

After my brother noticed a peculiarity in the way my spine looked when I sat down, I went to the hospital to have some X-rays. I was told I had scoliosis, which basically means I have an unnatural lateral curve in my spine. It was a bend to a certain degree where, a few more degrees and I would need an operation as my spine would curve into my lungs and affect my breathing and stuff. I had to wear a Thoracolumbosacral orthosis brace 20 hours a day (some doctors prescribe 23 hours, so I guess I can count myself lucky in that regard) to prevent the curve from progressing whilst I grew, but it wouldn’t move my back to a normal position. It left friction burns on my chest, back and hips, even though I was wearing a T-Shirt underneath, and it was extremely uncomfortable. After a year of wearing the brace, I was told I was nearing the end of my skeletal growth and so they weaned me off the brace between then and 6 months time, when my next appointment would be. I was overjoyed and the next few months flew by. But instead of me having a celebration of freedom afterwards, it ended in tears. I hadn’t finished growing and it was back to 20 hours a day (they had considered 23 hours by this point, but the final decision was to stick to 20). So I strapped myself in again, anticipating the appointment in 6 months time.

At Soul Survivor I went up for prayer for those who felt trapped in something, and my need was for paranoia. The bullying had caused me to lose trust and faith in people and God broke those chains that had been binding me for so long. I had been released and I felt that I could have normal friendships from now on, instead of thinking all the time that people only pretended to like me and were just waiting for the time to all gang up on me. I was free from those social shackles, but I was still bound physically.

After about 4 months, I received a letter through the post saying my appointment had been moved back 2 months. I was like, ‘Ok God, if it takes these extra two months for me to finish growing, I will be patient.’ Oh dear! I’m in tears again! The time for the appointment comes and it’s more bad news and another 6 months. I was heartbroken and angry with the doctors. I wished they hadn’t told me about not having to wear the brace again as they had got my hopes up.

I thank God for the great friends and family he blessed me with during these troubled times. I could have thrown the brace away and rebelled against it but their continued support and prayers gave me the strength to obey what the doctor ordered.

The six months came and I was free! I squealed with joy when I was told I wouldn’t have to wear it anymore and I was over the moon; it was one of the best days of my life. Finally I was free again, able to sleep in bed without a piece of plastic crushing me, and we had that celebration of freedom. (With a few hundred pounds, my friends and I ended up eating in Wimpy of all places, boys all suited out and the ladies wearing dresses. Well we didn’t intend to eat there but it was the only place that had room for us, so the restaurant ended up with a massive tip in the end!) Things didn’t end there however.

No sooner had I had one of the greatest moments of my life, I went through a stage of depression. Seems like the damaging experiences of my past were catching up with me. My parents got a Christian counsellor for me after more tears (believe it or not, I’m not someone who cries easily, despite writing that after everything I go through I seem to be crying!). It took me a lot to agree to have one as I had always thought against them in the past. His name was David and he was awesome. He was very sensitive and knew exactly what I needed – when I needed sympathy he gave me it and he would tell me what I needed to hear when I needed to be told. I had been a grumpy recluse, who didn’t really want to interact with anyone and always seemed to be deeply troubled.

After about 6 months of counselling, which was that short by the grace of God, the old Ben began to return. The Ben that people wanted to know, the Ben that people wanted to be around and enjoyed spending time with. The Ben that had not tasted bullying was coming back, who had been gone for 7 years.

So this is where you find me now! Some of you may have had worse experiences, but I feel I have had it rough as God allowed me to go through more than I thought I could take, but I’m still here and I still love Him.

I am so grateful for that period of suffering though. It was as if God was taking a chisel to the rock that was my character and shaping me into the person that He wanted me to be. A Ben who would have a far more attractive personality than a Ben who didn’t know Him. And through my suffering I can be there for those who are going through similar things.

I put the main reason down to me still being a Christian as God’s love. If you don’t know God’s love then you are in for a treat. And if you think you have experienced it but that I am exaggerating it, then you haven’t experienced it either. Just like God, it is something that cannot merely be contained to words. It is beyond language and any posh definition I could give it wouldn’t do it justice. There is just nothing like it.

Christianity isn’t just for those who are weak. Pretty much everyone who has written a testimony on here seems to be pretty messed up, but the fact of the matter is that we all need it. Every single one and it is available to us all. We are all crying out for something more, some sort of meaning to the chaos and confusion and madness of life. I believe that that very something is discovered when you enter into a living relationship with the God who made you and the same God who died so that you could spend eternity with Him, as we had messed it up in the first place so that could no longer happen. You don’t have to be broken to realise that you need it, but I urge you to find Him. Find out that He is real like I did.

I was ready to live a life devoted to God when I came to the conclusion that He was real. In a society that is increasingly asking for water-tight evidence, solid facts and the miraculous to believe in a Creator God and that His Son Jesus was the Saviour of mankind, I required much less persuasion than most atheists, but yet what I received, for me, was something of incomparative worth.

When I was 10, and literally out of the blue, God gave me a vision of me going to Africa. Not to go on holiday, but to help the people out there and spread the Gospel through words and actions. I was moved by this moment and after continued experiences of God’s warmth as I entered His presence in worship, I became a Christian aged 11.